I am completely over the hospital. I was certain I had put it behind me for quite some time and then I landed myself there again over the weekend. I have truly never been the person that gets sick, the person who needs repeat medical attention, or any of that. However my track record over the last year is forcing me to admit I have in fact been that person of late for reasons totally out of my control. I'm not into it. I didn't even want to write this blog post because I felt like everyone was shouting "SHUT UP about a hospital already!" (because that's certainly what I've been shouting to myself), but then Jeremy helped me realize that it's a pretty universal and hopefully relatable phenomenon to be bored silly with the cycles we find ourselves in ...so I wrote it anyway.

After calling my primary care doctor and visiting an urgent care clinic in my neighborhood and having both physicians sternly urge me to go to the ER, I (very unwillingly) conceded. The symptoms I was having coupled with recent surgery, a genetic clotting disorder, and having been put on post surgical estrogen patch all were too indicative of a pulmonary embolism to ignore I was told. So I went. I did the blue jammy dress thing, I got poked in the arm not once, not twice, but thrice (I can already tell I am headed for arm bruises that would make even the most consummate heroin addict blush), I submitted to test after test to rule out pulmonary embolism and visualized the dollars and cents draining from our bank account with every one.

In the end, everything came out clear. They can't fully explain some of my symptoms, which is uncomfortable to sit with, but they were able to rule out the life threatening things they were worried about and that is a relief. The whole thing got me thinking once again about how it's not so easy to leave the reproductive trauma of the last year behind (as if i needed more reminders, but they just keep on coming). It tends to follow you around in the most annoying and unexpected of fashions (just like all of our baggage does). Everything links to everything.  That experience lives inside me emotionally as well as physically and so I never know when it is going to emerge and stir up some trouble. 

The Universe likes to remind us that we are never fully in the driver's seat even when we begin to feel that we are. This can make us feel very stuck as it did to me as I sat there in the ER feeling stripped of my autonomy, but it can also be freeing depending on how you look at it. We're not so very powerful. We can work hard to move forward, we can bring as much positivity as possible into our lives, we can fiercely love the ones that are dear to us, but ultimately we can't control much else. As I laid there in that ER bed, I thought to myself, as unpleasant and annoying as this is, I feel lucky to have people in my life are that are continuously willing to wade through these rough moments with me. I know my support system loves me and they know I love them (I probably make that overly clear at times), and right now, that's the best remedy I can think of. There are going to be moments where we inevitably get stuck in the same old garbage and then all there is to do is fall back on that foundation--the work, the positivity, the love--to pull us out again. 

EF FAIL #2: Because it's not as easy as you would think to destroy the evidence 
(and a bon fire just feels so permanent)  

This stack of items was super exciting to accumulate, 
but now they have to be hidden from me at all times so I don't have a total mental breakdown :

The Belly Book : I lovingly answered questions about the day I found I was pregnant, my cravings, our plans
Prenatal work out DVD : I know! how about instead I gain like 10 lbs of hormone and depression weight?!
Pregnancy, Childbirth, & the Newborn : I feel like this book actually radiates an aura of pain from wherever I hide it
Taking Charge of Your Fertility : aaaand instead it took charge of me
Children's Books : I always superstitiously lied and said these were for other people's kids,
 but [full disclosure] they were really for mine

Alright. I took the photo. Back to their hiding places they go. For now. 

Ever Forward Fail #1: Get Plenty of Rest

I was told so often during this process-- take care of yourself and get plenty of rest. It seemed like a sensible enough stepping stone toward decreased anxiety and eventual healing. However, I have to imagine the most common response to people telling you "get plenty of rest" is rampant insomnia. At least that was my experience. And nowwwwww introducing for the very first in my "EVER FORWARD FAIL" Series : 

The Top 10 Things I Found Myself Doing in the middle of the night when I was not getting this supposed, elusive, healing rest:

10. Obsessing. Obsessively : Maybe my calculations were off and thats why the baby is measuring small. Maybe it was that cold medicine I took before I knew I was preggo that is causing all this. Maybe a black cat crossed my path and sprayed me with evil luck. Maybe I'm obsessing too much. Am I obsessing too much ?

9. Organizing. Badly : There was an evening that I spent the hours of 2AM- 4AM shuffling things around in my medicine cabinet and in the morning it still looked-if possible-worse. I wondered if I had dreamt it. I hadn't. I was just that dysfunctional at the moment.

8. Eating. On the Floor : Why on the floor, you ask? Reasonable question. Something about impending doom makes you do bizarre things. Like sitting cross-legged on the floor eating your way through a box of tasteless water crackers. Sure, we'll say it was because I was nauseous. 

7. Reading. Without Comprehension : I would say this experience has provided me with a stack of approximately 15-20 unfinished books. I would be up at like 3 AM staring at the pages and by around 5AM I'd have turned a handful of chapters without having the slightest clue what I just read. Then I'd lose interest.

6. Looking at Facebook. All of it : I would stare at the glow of my iPhone for hours on end in the wee hours of the morning (I know, I know, that's supposed to make it even HARDER to fall asleep). By dawn I knew what you thought of every episode of House of Cards, "What City You Should Actually Live in", where you went on vacation, your snarky take on celebrity affairs, and had seen every cat video on the Internet. 

5. Message Boards. Satan's Candy : I read thousands of pregnancy message boards and worked to stretch and contort each one to fit my situation and glean maximum comfort out of each. Please refer to #10.

4. Wallowing. Like No Other : Now, I enjoy a good wallow under normal circumstances (see : My Spotify Playlists : "All The Worlds Beautiful Sadness" and "One Stop Shop for Melancholia" … I wish I was taking creative license here, people), but this experience took it to a whole new level. I didn't indulge too much during the day, but at night… well, I did. 

3. Composing Epic Emails. Sorry Friends. : Sometimes 3 AM just feels like the right time to express your true feelings of undying love and soul connection to friends and family in a detailed novel of an email. Nope. I'm not drunk. Stone cold sober and hormonally imbalanced (which may be worse).

2. Crafting. At sub-par Levels :  Any one need a janky looking friendship bracelet made at 4 in the morning?? No? Ok. Well let me know because I have like 10 of them. 

1.  Staring Blankly at the Ceiling. This one is fairly self explanatory.