A sweet friend sent this along to me last month and I wanted to pay it forward to all of you ...

It's from a great blog called *the longest shortest time*. They asked their online community of mamas to share songs they found healing when coping with miscarriage or infertility : 

click here to have a listen

For me, a long drive with the windows down and the music up is always endlessly healing. The urban equivalent of that is to put my earphones in and take a long wander through the city and watch the neighborhoods change around me as I work out whatever thoughts and emotions are plaguing me. 

My own personal miscarriage coping playlist on Spotify is called 
"Songs for a Post Apocalyptic World"  --and boy have I given that sucker some wear over the last few months. 

There are two phases of my playlist : Phase One for when I need to just marinate in & feel my feelings (ok fine, some may call that indulging in a bit of a wallow) and Phase Two for when I need to stomp the pavement like a dang warrior...and it's a constant tug of war between the two isn't it?

A few favs from Phase 1 of my personal playlist include: 
Unf*cktheworld : Angel Olsen  (has been on solid repeat for me. WARNING: May cause full on crying in subway stations  and drug stores across the city)
Truth : Alexander 
I'm In Here : Sia
Ride : Lana Del Ray (special nod to the lyric "I'm tired of feeling like i'm f*@king crazy")
Keep Breathing : Ingrid Michaelson (I think i'm just a sucker for cello accompaniment...that'd be my beautiful little sister the cellist's doing)
Blood : The Middle East (again, with the possible public weeping)

 

Ever Forward Fail #1: Get Plenty of Rest

I was told so often during this process-- take care of yourself and get plenty of rest. It seemed like a sensible enough stepping stone toward decreased anxiety and eventual healing. However, I have to imagine the most common response to people telling you "get plenty of rest" is rampant insomnia. At least that was my experience. And nowwwwww introducing for the very first in my "EVER FORWARD FAIL" Series : 

The Top 10 Things I Found Myself Doing in the middle of the night when I was not getting this supposed, elusive, healing rest:

10. Obsessing. Obsessively : Maybe my calculations were off and thats why the baby is measuring small. Maybe it was that cold medicine I took before I knew I was preggo that is causing all this. Maybe a black cat crossed my path and sprayed me with evil luck. Maybe I'm obsessing too much. Am I obsessing too much ?

9. Organizing. Badly : There was an evening that I spent the hours of 2AM- 4AM shuffling things around in my medicine cabinet and in the morning it still looked-if possible-worse. I wondered if I had dreamt it. I hadn't. I was just that dysfunctional at the moment.

8. Eating. On the Floor : Why on the floor, you ask? Reasonable question. Something about impending doom makes you do bizarre things. Like sitting cross-legged on the floor eating your way through a box of tasteless water crackers. Sure, we'll say it was because I was nauseous. 

7. Reading. Without Comprehension : I would say this experience has provided me with a stack of approximately 15-20 unfinished books. I would be up at like 3 AM staring at the pages and by around 5AM I'd have turned a handful of chapters without having the slightest clue what I just read. Then I'd lose interest.

6. Looking at Facebook. All of it : I would stare at the glow of my iPhone for hours on end in the wee hours of the morning (I know, I know, that's supposed to make it even HARDER to fall asleep). By dawn I knew what you thought of every episode of House of Cards, "What City You Should Actually Live in", where you went on vacation, your snarky take on celebrity affairs, and had seen every cat video on the Internet. 

5. Message Boards. Satan's Candy : I read thousands of pregnancy message boards and worked to stretch and contort each one to fit my situation and glean maximum comfort out of each. Please refer to #10.

4. Wallowing. Like No Other : Now, I enjoy a good wallow under normal circumstances (see : My Spotify Playlists : "All The Worlds Beautiful Sadness" and "One Stop Shop for Melancholia" … I wish I was taking creative license here, people), but this experience took it to a whole new level. I didn't indulge too much during the day, but at night… well, I did. 

3. Composing Epic Emails. Sorry Friends. : Sometimes 3 AM just feels like the right time to express your true feelings of undying love and soul connection to friends and family in a detailed novel of an email. Nope. I'm not drunk. Stone cold sober and hormonally imbalanced (which may be worse).

2. Crafting. At sub-par Levels :  Any one need a janky looking friendship bracelet made at 4 in the morning?? No? Ok. Well let me know because I have like 10 of them. 

1.  Staring Blankly at the Ceiling. This one is fairly self explanatory.