For one year and three months I have faithfully poured my heart into this blog on a weekly and at times twice-weekly basis. I have become acquainted with so many women far and wide who relate to the experience of losing a baby or to some form or reproductive dysfunction. I have made a wide range of dark jokes about my uterus and other things polite ladies don't discuss at tea. I have rushed to these virtual pages to share my tears, my anecdotes, my discoveries, my absurdity, my epiphanies, my confusion. The habit and structure of writing here every single Tuesday has been a life raft and an instrument of great personal and collective healing. 

For a long while I've been excited about the idea of transforming this blog into a book and then expanding these connections I've made into my practice as a Licensed Creative Arts Therapist. I've decided for a little while I am going to re-allocate some of my Tuesday blogging time slots to pulling together a draft of a book. I will still of course jump back in with a blog entry from time to time (like, for instance, I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats to hear about how my much anticipated reunion with my OBGYN goes next week), but I am also energized at the prospect of taking the necessary time to transform the Ever Forward blog into something new that could potentially reach even more warrior mamas out there.

When I started this blog I was just looking for validation that I was not the only one who had an urge to throw an edition of Goodnight Moon through a cafe window and sob every time they saw a happily pregnant woman (and to in turn validate anyone else who was feeling the same, but was afraid to say so). What ended up happening has far exceeded my wildest dreams. It turns out that we're all just looking for creative ways to put back together the shattered pieces of our hearts and to keep our senses of humor while we do it. 

For those of you who have been reading every week (thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!), I can't properly express my gratitude to you for sticking with me! This is not goodbye but rather just a heads up that entries perhaps won't be as frequent as I turn my attention toward pulling the book together (I didn't want you to wonder what the heck is going on). Feel free to keep checking back in for updates and continue to comment and email whenever you like because you know I love hearing from you! I wouldn't be living into the promise of "ever forward" if I didn't take this next step and I truly couldn't have made it here without you (yes, I'm talking to YOU, specifically). You're the best. Thanks for being a mess with me, sharing your stories with me, growing with me, and being my tribe! Stay tuned for info about the next chapter in the Ever Forward adventure!!!!

Okay, so last week I may or may not of said that this week I would be doing a big Homage to Failure, but it turns out I lied (irony, right?). That will have to be for another week. Life is full of missed steps and unexpected detours (but if you're reading this blog I probably don't need to explain that to you...either because you've dealt with miscarriage and/or infertility...or just because you have a pulse).  Right now I am running on three hours of sleep due to a quick trip to my hometown and an early flight back so I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

The number one thing I have come to learn is that having expectations is a totally hilarious and futile thing to do. You can't help it of course, so don't go beating yourself up. It's the human condition to provide ourselves with some sort of structure for how we think things should go so we don't feel like we're free-falling through our existence. For better or worse, I've always been one to keep a death grip on my expectations and then get crushed if they don't pan out. Anything from dinner plans to career plans to birth plans have been subject to my iron rule of expectations. Time after time I have watched my expectations get completely blown to smithereens--sometimes in a good way and often in a disastrous way--and in both cases I had an equal lack of control. 

I've been wrestling with this feeling of being untethered lately due to the Universe basically pointing and laughing at all my most cherished expectations. A wise person, upon hearing me talk about my chronic untethered-ness said, "Maybe this is just the time you're learning to be tethered to yourself". I have thought about this phrase so much ever since it was uttered to me. I have reflected on it in many ways. Being "tethered to yourself", to me, is about checking in with my core so that no matter what crazy curve balls are thrown my way, I have enough trust in my own center to know I can navigate the path ahead (despite it looking absolutely nothing like what I expected). This concept also implies that we don't have to be subject to what the world expects of us (or things we "should" do) if we are comfortable with the rules you are setting for ourselves. I've found this to be a comforting thought as I maneuver my way back from a thwarted foray into mommyhood and through the ripple effect of unexpected consequences and discoveries that it it set in motion. This week I just want to gift you with this idea of tethering to yourself. I hope it sparks something in you like it did in me. No matter what you happen to be going through in your life, we could all benefit from the practice of checking in with our inner most core and from the permission to trust what we find without judgement.