ever forward
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact

The Question

7/22/2014

11 Comments

 
Picture
Over the weekend I was lucky enough to have a little escape with a dear girlfriend in her hometown by the sea. While there, I got to meet some of her family who were also in town. They were lovely and we had a great time getting to know each other. I felt instantly comfortable with them. As we chatted they asked how long I'd been married and about my job. Someone asked, "So are you guys planning on kids soon?" Dun dun dunnnnn. There was The Question. A question that has become unbelievably loaded for me this year. I've gone through phases with it. I'm in a relationship with it. It's my dearest hope and greatest enemy. It's nothing and everything. 

There was a time that question made me want to burst into tears. There was a time it made me extremely anxious. There was a time it made me angry. Now it does none of those things, but it still makes me squirm slightly only because I struggle with the right way to answer at this point in my journey.  How do I answer honestly, while not making the asker uncomfortable? How do share without over-sharing? How do I keep the conversation casual, without glazing over and disrespecting the deep hurt I'm still lugging around? So I said : "Yes, we definitely want to, but we've had a bit of a bumpy road in that area". I figured, that gives enough that they could inquire more if they wanted to, but if they were uncomfortable we could just leave it at that. One of the moms present offered a tip she used when she was having trouble conceiving. I could tell the miscarriage drift hadn't quite been caught and that was totally fine. Then there were some questions about how long we'd been trying and it started to feel weirdly disingenuous not to clarify. I figure, it is part of my mission to be open about this stuff anyway, so I shared (in as breezy a tone as possible where this topic is concerned) that the problem hadn't been getting pregnant as much as staying pregnant. This time it was met with understanding and was responded to in as kind a way as I could have possibly hoped for. As has been shown to me over and over during this experience, warm openness is 99.9% of the time met with warm openness in return no matter how potentially uncomfortable the subject matter. Despite any slight awkwardness, I am so completely grateful for every person that shows interest in an open dialogue about something that is so easily and often brushed under the rug.

This experience got me thinking about The Question. It got me thinking about how we talk about this stuff and the self-imposed timelines and restrictions we put on it. 

One of the first follow up questions that is often asked when I share about my miscarriage is : "Oh, was this recent?"  When I say it was six months ago I wonder what that means to the asker. What does it mean to me? Does that mean I should be over it by now? Is the time to talk about it drawing to a close? Do I get some sort of extension because I still have so many unresolved reproductive medical issues? Of course anyone would say, there is no "right answer" to how long to mourn or how long to talk about it, but sometimes there is a certain undeniable internal pressure to "be okay" and to make it feel okay for others too. I guess the best we can hope to do is answer The Question in a manner that is consistent with where we are in our journey and not to judge that place. Maybe the answer is as simple as the truth. I can't control if I make someone else a little uncomfortable with the truth of what is going on with me and if I shy away from the topic I miss an opportunity to normalize the larger conversation about miscarriage. I think if we find ways to share from an honest and comfortable place, then others will pick up on that energy and everybody will benefit. I mean, I'm not saying you shouldn't also read a room before launching into a charming miscarriage anecdote (thats not a thing), but if the asker seems interested, then there is no reason to be embarrassed to share the reality of the situation.  Answering the questions that get thrown our way after miscarriage without that pesky added layer of shame seems like an important step in the quest Ever Forward. It sends the message to others, and more importantly to ourselves, that life can move forward and feel normal despite experiencing something traumatic.

What ways have you found to answer potentially tricky questions about miscarriage, infertility, or otherwise? 
Leave your suggestions in the comment section if you have ideas--i'm sure they'd benefit everyone who reads!! 

11 Comments
Janine Elkin
7/22/2014 02:04:45 am

Today's blog reminds me of the many times I encounter folks who ask "how's Becca doing?" This question always causes me to pause...do I just say "fine" and move on....or do I enter into the miscarriage conversation.....

As Becca's mom, it would be much easier to just bypass the conversation....but having watched my first born lose her own precious first-born-to-be, go through a roller coaster of tests, diagnoses, and struggle to move forward with her life in the shadow of pending surgeries ... I feel it is not right to just dismiss all she's been through and about to go through to a simple "oh, she's doing fine"...

So...as you said, Becca....I size up the room and the inquiring person, ...and I speak honestly and from the heart to those who seem receptive to the story; and I have found that sharing Becca's story opens doors for others to share their stories...and in that way, I feel I am helping Becca continue to help others move EverForward..

Reply
Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
7/22/2014 04:36:14 am

your comment was the best thing i could have possibly read. thanks mom. thank you for being with me on the front lines of Operation : Ever Forward. <3

Reply
Janine Elkin
7/22/2014 06:33:34 am

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Kyle
7/22/2014 08:23:29 am

Sometimes answering the question feels right and maybe sometimes it does not. In those moments the best answer might simply be another question. Like, "why do you ask?" Then you just stop talking and see what comes next.

Reply
Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
7/22/2014 09:16:29 am

Wise words, Kyle! I agree, so many elements factor in as to whether answering feels right at any given time. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment and lend your voice! It means the world to me!

Reply
Corinne Spina
7/22/2014 10:12:39 am

Just an exceptional blog, Becca! How GREAT that your weekend get-away, and the related experience, gave you a chance to gain new insight & comfort in your grieving process. Your unique & impressive ability to capture nuance of thought, raw emotion & brutal, frank, beautiful honesty are what make your writing so extremely rare & special!!! As always, learning so much from your words & their important life message.

Reply
Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
7/23/2014 01:59:18 am

thank you for your extremely generous, eloquent, and heartfelt response!!!! your support from the beginning has been such a comfort to me! thank you!

Reply
Juj
7/23/2014 12:21:49 am

as always, Becca, I thank you for your thoughtful, honest, and heart-felt sharing - you are wise beyond your years. we send our love xxxx

Reply
Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
7/23/2014 02:01:19 am

Juj! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment and for the comfort of your support--I feel it pouring in from afar and it truly means the world to me. Love always! xo

Reply
ootastic link
7/28/2014 07:01:13 am

When people used to ask if I had kids, I usually said "Not for lack of trying". Now I'm fortunate to have my son, I'm dreading the question "Are you having any more?".

Reply
Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
8/5/2014 01:05:33 am

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment! I can totally relate to what you're saying. It's a comfort to connect with others who have had similar experiences. All the very best to you.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    lover of life. celebrator of everything. drama therapist. wife. friend. picking up the pieces. finding creative ways to put them back together.

    Archives

    August 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014

    Categories

    All
    Doctor Appointments
    Ever Forward Fails
    Ever Forward Wins
    Guest Blogger
    Holidays
    Letting Go
    Mini Posts
    Miscarriage
    Surgery
    Top 10s
    Waiting !

    RSS Feed

    © Rebecca Elkin-Young  and theEverForward.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Rebecca Elkin-Young and TheEverForward.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.