Last year when Chris and I were thinking about getting pregnant less seriously and in more of a vague “not not trying” kind of a way, he got me a bouquet of my favorite flowers for Mother's Day. They were perfect pink peonies and he attached a note that said: “for my future baby mama”. He gave them to me as kind of just a sweet joke, but it makes my head spin to think about the journey we’ve been on since then. When I laughingly and lovingly accepted those flowers I guess I was pretty naive. I had no reason to believe that when I was serious about a baby I wouldn't just automatically have one. Easy. Because miscarriage/infertility issues happen to other women and not me, right?
With Mother's Day approaching I have become acutely aware of a pervasive mommyness in the air more so than usual and certainly more so than I have in any previous year. Spring bursts forth with new life all around me and it's beautiful and reassuring, but it also sometimes hurts. Commercials, sections of stationary stores, advertisement emails all serve as reminders that in a matter of days I will find myself within a date on the calendar that could have been exciting and special and is now just kind of numb and blah (except of course for the opportunity to celebrate my own fabulous mama, mama-in-law, and the other beautiful mamacita friends I love).
It got me thinking about the babyless mommas out there; an army of women like me who, in varying durations, experienced a powerful physical knowledge of motherhood and then had it taken away. Where's our day of recognition, I ask!? So guess what, mamas? I'm declaring that day TODAY. I'm pretty sure on the internet you can just declare days and they become official (right?). Today it is Tuesday and you might be working or caught up in the mundane details of midweek, but set aside just a small moment to honor yourself as a warrior mama who hasn't had the easy road, but who gets up every day and shines her light into the world anyway. I assume these emotions might also ring true for a mother who had a miscarriage after already having a child--so you ladies should feel included in this new holiday I just created too!
Chances are you were all geared up for motherhood no matter what stage of pregnancy you were when you miscarried. If you're like me, you weren't even aware of how geared up you were until you found out that it was unnecessary to be so. Before I was pregnant I would sometimes think, "will I be a good mom? am I ready?", but then when I thought I was barreling toward motherhood whether I was ready or not, I felt myself morphing into the hot mama that I was going to be. I saw myself with a tiny baby slung to my chest while picking up groceries for dinner, going to museums, and chatting on sunny sidewalks with friends. I saw myself vibrant and smiling and unabashedly breastfeeding in pubic like a damn rebel. I saw the way that even though I was sleep deprived and cranky as hell I would lovingly inhale the little ones fuzzy noggin and talk to her like my new tiniest best friend and treasure. I saw the eclectic experiences I would expose her to and the crazy and wonderful people who would become her support system as she grew. I felt my heart expanding inside me in a way I had never felt.
My question is-- when this process screeches to halt where does the residual mommy energy go? For a while I couldn't hold it in and felt it spilling out onto everyone in my immediate vicinity. I call this my mommylust phase and I still dip into it from time to time. It is marked by the compulsion to make everyone a warm beverage, tuck everyone in, and rock everyone to sleep. Everyone. I'm pretty sure it was creepy for all my friends and family. But today, on BABYLESS MOMMA DAY, I say lets honor the mommylust and all that was left over when our journey toward motherhood was prematurely discontinued. All those preparations and dreams and nurturing instincts are now part of me as I try to (as courageously as possible) walk the post apocalyptic earth as this mommy/not mommy hybrid. Today I plan to buy myself flowers and focus on paying homage to the person that I am and the journey that I've had. I hope you can too.
If you are so inspired : leave a comment on this blog post sharing a way that you celebrated yourself today - i'm sure it will inspire others to do the same !!