Last year when Chris and I were thinking about getting pregnant less seriously and in more of a vague “not not trying” kind of a way, he got me a bouquet of my favorite flowers for Mother's Day. They were perfect pink peonies and he attached a note that said: “for my future baby mama”. He gave them to me as kind of just a sweet joke, but it makes my head spin to think about the journey we’ve been on since then. When I laughingly and lovingly accepted those flowers I guess I was pretty naive. I had no reason to believe that when I was serious about a baby I wouldn't just automatically have one. Easy. Because miscarriage/infertility issues happen to other women and not me, right?
With Mother's Day approaching I have become acutely aware of a pervasive mommyness in the air more so than usual and certainly more so than I have in any previous year. Spring bursts forth with new life all around me and it's beautiful and reassuring, but it also sometimes hurts. Commercials, sections of stationary stores, advertisement emails all serve as reminders that in a matter of days I will find myself within a date on the calendar that could have been exciting and special and is now just kind of numb and blah (except of course for the opportunity to celebrate my own fabulous mama, mama-in-law, and the other beautiful mamacita friends I love).
It got me thinking about the babyless mommas out there; an army of women like me who, in varying durations, experienced a powerful physical knowledge of motherhood and then had it taken away. Where's our day of recognition, I ask!? So guess what, mamas? I'm declaring that day TODAY. I'm pretty sure on the internet you can just declare days and they become official (right?). Today it is Tuesday and you might be working or caught up in the mundane details of midweek, but set aside just a small moment to honor yourself as a warrior mama who hasn't had the easy road, but who gets up every day and shines her light into the world anyway. I assume these emotions might also ring true for a mother who had a miscarriage after already having a child--so you ladies should feel included in this new holiday I just created too!
Chances are you were all geared up for motherhood no matter what stage of pregnancy you were when you miscarried. If you're like me, you weren't even aware of how geared up you were until you found out that it was unnecessary to be so. Before I was pregnant I would sometimes think, "will I be a good mom? am I ready?", but then when I thought I was barreling toward motherhood whether I was ready or not, I felt myself morphing into the hot mama that I was going to be. I saw myself with a tiny baby slung to my chest while picking up groceries for dinner, going to museums, and chatting on sunny sidewalks with friends. I saw myself vibrant and smiling and unabashedly breastfeeding in pubic like a damn rebel. I saw the way that even though I was sleep deprived and cranky as hell I would lovingly inhale the little ones fuzzy noggin and talk to her like my new tiniest best friend and treasure. I saw the eclectic experiences I would expose her to and the crazy and wonderful people who would become her support system as she grew. I felt my heart expanding inside me in a way I had never felt.
My question is-- when this process screeches to halt where does the residual mommy energy go? For a while I couldn't hold it in and felt it spilling out onto everyone in my immediate vicinity. I call this my mommylust phase and I still dip into it from time to time. It is marked by the compulsion to make everyone a warm beverage, tuck everyone in, and rock everyone to sleep. Everyone. I'm pretty sure it was creepy for all my friends and family. But today, on BABYLESS MOMMA DAY, I say lets honor the mommylust and all that was left over when our journey toward motherhood was prematurely discontinued. All those preparations and dreams and nurturing instincts are now part of me as I try to (as courageously as possible) walk the post apocalyptic earth as this mommy/not mommy hybrid. Today I plan to buy myself flowers and focus on paying homage to the person that I am and the journey that I've had. I hope you can too.
If you are so inspired : leave a comment on this blog post sharing a way that you celebrated yourself today - i'm sure it will inspire others to do the same !!
8 Comments
Marta K. Jones
5/6/2014 06:22:11 am
Thank you for writing this. I'm not thrilled to be a member of the club, but it's easier knowing I'm not in it alone. 💗
Reply
5/6/2014 08:15:09 am
You are most definitely not alone, Marta! Nobody wants to be in this stinkin' club, but as long as we're in it I'm glad we're all in it together! All the very best to you!
Reply
Jo
5/6/2014 06:46:33 am
I celebrate by thinking of all the good things my baby has given me, even though she never got to be here to see them - a lot of lessons in patience, being even closer to my amazing husband, and a better understanding of how amazing it will be to one day, hopefully, have a different baby growing inside me. What great lessons to be able to teach.
Reply
5/6/2014 08:16:12 am
Jo, Thank you so much for sharing that! What a beautiful way to look at it. I really appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. All the best to you!
Reply
T
5/6/2014 08:47:04 am
Your words brought tears to my eyes as I've just had another negative result from fertility treatments even with donor support. I will never fully understand why it is so often those who so badly want the privilege of giving life who cannot and then there are those who abuse, neglect and reject who have many. Perhaps our destiny is to give an abundance of love to many as our capacity to love and nurture extends beyond that of our own family. Love and light to you all!!
Reply
5/6/2014 02:01:53 pm
T, I am so sorry to hear the tough journey you've been on. Sometimes it really is so hard to understand. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and your beautiful reflections. Wishing you happiness and peace!
Reply
Marie L.
5/7/2014 07:03:44 pm
Wow, Becca, it is some post, beautiful...! I read it last night so I missed out Tuesday but I think we deserve something special every day, anyway. I am trying to look around every day and see the beauty because I like thinking that our Baby needs my eyes to look around so I want to show her the world at least this way... So sad that we all have "met" because of such a sad lifechanging events but things like your post are making it more bearable... Thank you for writing this! You are able to put into words what I just feel but am unable to express...it is a gift. Thanks. Take care... X
Reply
5/7/2014 11:24:23 pm
Hi Marie, Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to comment. I totally agree, the day of the week doesn't matter, and we do deserve something special every day! I know this is a "club" no one wants to join, but since we are here, it is such a comfort to connect with each others who can relate. Thanks for your kind words and beautiful reflections. All the very best to you!!
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Authorlover of life. celebrator of everything. drama therapist. wife. friend. picking up the pieces. finding creative ways to put them back together. Archives
August 2015
Categories
All
© Rebecca Elkin-Young and theEverForward.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Rebecca Elkin-Young and TheEverForward.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. |