Hi mamas! I had some other ideas for a post today, but scratched them because I felt the need to check in with you all. Congratulations. We lived. We made it to the other side of Mother's Day. For me, it was easier than I thought it would be in some ways and epically more difficult in other, less expected ways. I spent a lot of the day laughing at the pure ridiculousness of it all (better than sobbing, right?). The day began with me checking in with social media. That was a doozy. It felt like everyone I knew was celebrating their first Mother's Day and oh how the baby bumps were on parade. I felt an all too familiar aching emptiness that I thought was starting to subside. I don't begrudge any of those happy moms their joy because I hope to join them one day, but it still hurt. My mom called me before I even got a chance to call her to check in. My sweet husband flooded me with more and more peonies to soften my fall into the day and tiptoed gently around me. I guess it was fairly clear I was a woman on the edge.
We took about an hour drive out to a little inn for Mother's Day brunch with my mother in law, grandma in law, and the rest of the family. My grandma in law is a beautifully tough old broad who tells it like it is. I love her. She keeps it real. Recently however, her short term memory has almost entirely deserted her. As she wheeled up to me I gave her a kiss and said "Happy Mother's Day!" and she responded with a playful eye roll and "Ha! Can't say happy Mother's Day to you". Nope. Nope you can't, Gram. Nailed it. I know she didn't have any memory that I miscarried and therefore was treating me in the goodnatured way family members do when a married couple is perceived as making everyone wait forever for grandkids. I actually found it surprisingly hilarious and all I could do was just smile and keep plowing forward. When we went inside the restaurant they were giving roses to all the mothers. So there was an actual conversation that consisted of something like : "Ok, so who's a mom here?" At this point I was inwardly in a fit of semi-manic hysterical laughter at the absurdity of being made to publicly declare that I was very much not a mom. After I took that bullet we walked to our table and Grandma asked, "Why don't you have a flower, Becca?", "Because I'm not a mom, Grandma" which was met with another playful, "well quit making us wait so long, already!" look. My carefully constructed armor was showing cracks I could tell.
We sat down at the table and my sister-in-law and her girlfriend arrived. They were holding a bag which I assumed was for mom or grandma, but they plopped it in front of me. They said they got me a little something because they love me and that it was inspired by this blog. It was a beautiful little statue that was meant to represent "reflecting and soaring". The recognition that this day was going to be tough for me meant the absolute world. I dissolved into thankful, happy tears that I had that kind of love in my life. I felt nothing but utter gratitude in that moment. In fact, there were quite a few moments of gratitude throughout the day that balanced out the harder moments. Dear friends and family reached out to say they were thinking of me. One such message from a friend said that she felt my pregnancy had "given birth to my warrior mama-ness" which is just about the best thing I've ever heard. This experience may not have left me with a baby, but it has certainly opened the door to a new conception of myself and a new strength. So even though mother's day highlighted the lack of a certain role in my life, I found it also unexpectedly shone a light on new roles and ways of coping that are emerging every day.
I ended the day feeling emotionally exhausted, but I lived. I moved through it. I laughed and cried and tried to grow. How did you do? I'd love to hear....
I ended the day feeling emotionally exhausted, but I lived. I moved through it. I laughed and cried and tried to grow. How did you do? I'd love to hear....
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