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Let it Go?

5/20/2014

10 Comments

 
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I'm sick and tired of thinking about miscarriage and babies and fertility. I'm tired of my emotions being dictated by it. I'm tired of the look I see on my friends faces when they gear up to be supportive once again. I fear (possibly based on paranoia rather than reality) that everyone is sick of hearing about it, but the truth is that no one is more sick of it than I am.

I'd like nothing more than to let it go. In fact, armies of 4 year-old girls obsessed with the movie Frozen seem to be belting at me to "Let it Go" every day. I'd love to oblige. Truly. Because this stinks (and their off-key toddler singing is loud and hurts my ears). However many factors seem to be conspiring against this goal. 

Two months after my miscarriage my pregnancy hormone levels were still not reading negative. My OB was following my levels to rule out a partial molar pregnancy (still is, actually).  She told me the drop was admittedly quite slow, but nothing to be particularly concerned about as long as they were consistently trending down. It seemed that my body was quite literally refusing to let go and clutching desperately to this pregnancy. I became best friends with the lovely nurse who drew my blood every week. She wears bright red lipstick and always compliments my shoes. We have a schtick about the weekly blood draw being our fun little tradition. She talks about her son and I talk about how my week went. It is usually a surprisingly cheerful part of my day even though it involves getting poked with a needle. I brought both Chris and Jer in to meet her so I guess that means she's now officially in my crew. We hug like old friends. So, letting it go seems increasingly out of the question as this little show and its players have firmly woven themselves into my day-to day. They are so much the fabric of my life right now that I can no longer pretend they are something separate. 

For a long while, I would give a weekly report to my nearest and dearest that pregnancy hormones were still surging through me. We'd usually have a snarky banter that went something like "well, we could have told them that" referencing the fact that I was still acting totally bonkers on a fairly frequent basis. I could just as easily laugh giddily about this as break down in spirit crushing sobs. It was anyones guess which it would be (don't I sound delightful?). They say postpartum sadness is unspeakably hard when the pregnancy results in a baby, and I was completely unprepared for the effect it would have when the pregnancy resulted in me being alone with my thoughts. The hormonal free-fall and consequent sluggishly resolving chemical imbalance wreaked havoc on my ability to emotionally move forward. 

This experience has refused to let go of me in more unexpected and cunning ways as well. This was made abundantly clear when I had to go get an MRI to rule out a uterine septum (SPOILER ALERT : I have an almost total one! which means more antiseptic-soaked surgery blog posts to come before carrying a baby is even an option for me. So basically I am in the Olympics of reproductive malfunction and I'm gunning for the gold in several categories). In the days before the MRI I found myself a total wreck. This was not uncharacteristic in general (please refer to the lingering pregnancy hormones), but it was out of the ordinary as it pertains to a simple MRI. I nearly started hyperventilating talking about it over coffee one day. I worked in an intensive care unit for years, for goodness sake, and thought I was almost fully desensitized to most routine medical interventions. Turns out there was some definite post traumatic D&C effects lingering in me that sprung to life at the thought of another IV, another allergic reaction to hospital tape, another runway walk in a scratchy light blue gown and grippy socks. 

This whole experience has burrowed down deep and rears its ugly head when I least expect it.  There are still pregnancy website email pop-ups to which I can't bring myself to unsubscribe. On a day that happened to coincide with two births in my family, I got a very conspicuous email announcing  "Congrats! You're in your second trimester! Start telling the world!". I know I set myself up for that sucker punch because I have complained in the past about how cruelly relentless and annoying those emails are and I could have easily stopped them by now, but I haven't. Part of me also still wants to see them. This part of me defiantly and stubbornly doesn't want to make it easier to forget. Maybe I am not ready to release the parallel universe version of myself that is now moving through the normal stages of a healthy pregnancy.

I guess the heart of the matter is, there is too much focus on letting go. I've been guilty of slipping into the false sense that the end goal is a version of me who does not think about my miscarriage. Moving "ever forward" is not about detaching from what happened, it's about learning to carry the weight of this experience with increasing dexterity and humor. It is about allowing the sadness to be present, but not chaining myself to it and giving it all the power. The sadness and pain deserve honor and respect because moving through those emotions is what is shaping me into a stronger version of myself. 

It is less about letting it go and more about letting it be.

10 Comments
Corinne Spina
5/20/2014 09:07:17 am

Sweetest Becca, your carefully crafted words are so adept & provide your readers the ability to comprehend how deep the struggle & how monumental the heartache you have battled since your miscarriage. For that, I am so sad & only wish I could say or do something, anything that might ease the hurt & devastation to your heart & your spirit.

I love your message here. Honor your feelings & your emotions. You must!! The scars from these days will remain on your heart, but I know you will rise from the ashes, like the proverbial Phoenix to a magnificent new you. Changed, altered, of course, but so much stronger & faith-filled. Time is a healer, trite but true. You will find your own way to a renewed self in your own time. In God's time.

So much love to you & to Chris, as well. ❤❤

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Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
5/21/2014 01:10:49 am

Thank you so much for reading and for your beautiful words and reflections, Corinne. Your support and love means so much.

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Marie
5/21/2014 07:19:59 pm

Hi Becca, this is again an amazing post! I read it several times and it is so strikingly true, and so eloquently put, incredible! I am so sorry you have been having all these complications... Your blog has been helping me so much - sometimes my mind is full of wildly ricochetting thoughts and feelings and it can sometimes drive me nuts, then reading your posts puts my mind at rest because it is like "Yes! It is exactly what I feel but don't know how to describe it!" :-) Wow... The last paragraph plus the last sentence... It is so strong and so so true... Thank you so much. Keep on writing, please! I'll be thinking of you, take care X

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Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
5/21/2014 10:36:21 pm

Hello again Marie,
Thank you so very much for continuing to read the blog and taking the time to comment. Your sweet words mean a whole lot to me. It makes me feel so good that my blog has been helpful to you and you in return have been validating and helpful to me by reaching out and connecting. All the best to you in whatever point in your journey you find yourself. Keep checking in and we'll get through this thing together.

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Nat
5/22/2014 04:26:49 pm

Hi Becca,
Have just caught up on your last 3 blogs and can relate to most of it.
Mother's Day wasn't a heap of fun and had to deal with a few comments which weren't helpful but I got through it.
I too have kept a few email subscriptions to baby sites as a private reminder of how far we would have been on our journey.
We get our PM results back soon from when we lost Blip in March so will finally know (hopefully) if we have a son or daughter.
Our new motto is "It is what it is"
Take care xx

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Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
5/26/2014 11:22:47 pm

Hi Nat, Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment! It's so nice to connect with others who can relate. I totally connect to the motto "it is what it is" also (you kind of have to after this experience, don't you?) Recently my sister in law shared the quote : "it is what it is, but it will be what you make it" which I also love. Wishing you all good things as you work on acceptance, make the best of these rough circumstances, and move forward. Thanks again for reaching out! take care!!

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Love, Uncle Kevin
5/27/2014 12:22:31 pm

Another insightful post. Your words of wisdom (to carry on your let it be theme) are inspirational to me and the countless others that share in your experience. Your an amazing woman Becca - I'm blessed to know you and have you as part of the family.

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Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
5/28/2014 04:07:52 am

Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words Kevin. They really mean the world to me!! You are the greatest-- very lucky to have family like you!

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Marie
6/30/2017 06:20:31 am

Hi Becca, I am not sure whether you still follow comments under your okd posts. I think of you and hope you are in a good place somewhere. I pisted a comment 3 years ago after our first loss. Now we had another one. It is brutal. I remember your posts to date so I went back to read again. Thank you. Your words are reallu uplifting and inspiring. Hugs, Marie xx

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Becca link
7/1/2017 07:31:40 am

Hi Marie, I am crushed to hear you had to go through it again. Brutal is right. I feel you. Please know that someone out there (me!) is holding you in their thoughts. It means a lot to me that you reached out again and that you thought to return to the blog. The little (not so little, unfortunately) tribe of us that know this pain are always connected and we will all get through this stuff together. Wishing you all the very best as you move forward and heal. I'm here if you need me. Feel free to reach out any time. Warmly, Becca

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    lover of life. celebrator of everything. drama therapist. wife. friend. picking up the pieces. finding creative ways to put them back together.

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