This week's post is dedicated to the tiniest member of my family. I have not talked very much about the kitten that I got in September on this blog (except for here) because I was a little self conscious of inviting the whole "aw she lost a baby and got a kitten to fill the void" speculation. However, at this point, if you were going to make any assumptions about me (regarding being a crazy cat lady or otherwise) you've already made them and you're still reading (have I said, 'thank you' lately!?). We affectionately nicknamed the little bundle of fur "Munchie" (short for the Baroness von Munchausen, but now seems even more appropriate as she has a perpetual case of the munchies and is ravenous for food 24/7). She came home with us when she was just under a pound and could fit into Chris' shirt pocket. It just so happens that her birthday is one week before my would-be due date so I guess it's not so crazy to assume that some of that thwarted maternal energy that was cooking up was allocated directly onto her tiny noggin. She has grown along with the distance from my heartbreak and I find myself fiercely protective of her and utterly smitten with her. There is no denying it feels good to care for her. There is no denying that hearing people refer to me as her "mom" feels good. That just is what it is.
Yesterday she had to get spayed and I found myself a total mess leading up to her surgery. It took me by surprise how emotional I got. I felt a little silly as hot tears welled up in my eyes as I handed her over to the vet tech as I know it is a routine procedure, but I couldn't help it. I don't know how any of you parents handle it when your child gets sick or needs medical attention! I mean, I worked in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit for 4 years and calmly talked parents through the most difficult medical situations that they had to watch their children endure, but put me in the mama seat (even if it is to a CAT) for two seconds and I was a blubbering mess.
I felt a certain sense of solidarity with the tiny one having undergone my own uterine surgery just five months ago (which you can read about here if you're interested). I can relate to that particular brand of pain and although our kitten obviously has no understanding of the reproductive ramifications of her surgery, it certainly brought up reminders of mine. It actually helped highlight how much my world view has shifted. This morning, Munchie is bopping around playing, begging to be fed, and purring her face off like usual, as though nothing even happened. I did not bounce back quite as quickly (as some of you may recall there was a fog of emotions and oxycodone that had to clear for me first before I was bouncing around purring again), but Munchie is an incredible reminder of the way that life goes on.
At this point I feel miles away from the profound period of time where IVs and weekly blood work and grippy socks were my day-to-day realities. When you are in the midst of miscarriage, or infertility, or surgical interventions of any sort it is easy to start to feel that they are your whole world. It's easy to start to feel that they ARE you and forget that one day there will be a life and a version of yourself that is uninhibited by those things. I look at this tiny creature currently ramming her face into my arm and trying to walk on my keyboard, and I realize, the things we go through are just that. Things that we go through. Unencumbered by human hangups, Munchie embodies "ever forward". She accepts what happens to her, she reacts (and owns it!) in the way that comes naturally (whining, growling, lots of sleep, snuggling...so, basically the same as my recovery process) and she wakes up the next morning ready to take on whatever crosses her path.
Yesterday she had to get spayed and I found myself a total mess leading up to her surgery. It took me by surprise how emotional I got. I felt a little silly as hot tears welled up in my eyes as I handed her over to the vet tech as I know it is a routine procedure, but I couldn't help it. I don't know how any of you parents handle it when your child gets sick or needs medical attention! I mean, I worked in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit for 4 years and calmly talked parents through the most difficult medical situations that they had to watch their children endure, but put me in the mama seat (even if it is to a CAT) for two seconds and I was a blubbering mess.
I felt a certain sense of solidarity with the tiny one having undergone my own uterine surgery just five months ago (which you can read about here if you're interested). I can relate to that particular brand of pain and although our kitten obviously has no understanding of the reproductive ramifications of her surgery, it certainly brought up reminders of mine. It actually helped highlight how much my world view has shifted. This morning, Munchie is bopping around playing, begging to be fed, and purring her face off like usual, as though nothing even happened. I did not bounce back quite as quickly (as some of you may recall there was a fog of emotions and oxycodone that had to clear for me first before I was bouncing around purring again), but Munchie is an incredible reminder of the way that life goes on.
At this point I feel miles away from the profound period of time where IVs and weekly blood work and grippy socks were my day-to-day realities. When you are in the midst of miscarriage, or infertility, or surgical interventions of any sort it is easy to start to feel that they are your whole world. It's easy to start to feel that they ARE you and forget that one day there will be a life and a version of yourself that is uninhibited by those things. I look at this tiny creature currently ramming her face into my arm and trying to walk on my keyboard, and I realize, the things we go through are just that. Things that we go through. Unencumbered by human hangups, Munchie embodies "ever forward". She accepts what happens to her, she reacts (and owns it!) in the way that comes naturally (whining, growling, lots of sleep, snuggling...so, basically the same as my recovery process) and she wakes up the next morning ready to take on whatever crosses her path.
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