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I Don't Know How I Feel & I'm Okay with That.

8/19/2014

4 Comments

 
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Today is going to be a short post because there are times in this process (and in life in general) where you don't know what to say. I've been honest about pretty much every other aspect of the journey and I want to be honest about this too. There are times when finding a fresh perspective just isn't easy.

In this two week stretch leading up to my surgery and would-be due date I'm feeling adrift (which is a nice way to say I've been a total mess of a zombie on the inside). I partially want to be coddled and partially want to be left alone. I partially want to talk because that's usually what makes me feel better, but I also don't want to (slash don't know how to) talk about it. The hermit lifestyle is seeming oddly appealing. This week is filled with pre-operative appointments. That means a lot of sitting in waiting rooms with medical record forms that require me to fill out : Number of pregnancies : 1. Number of live births: 0 (yeah, ok, I get it, thank you for hitting that point home, Universe). Yesterday I stared down at that very line and couldn't tell if I wanted to laugh or cry or just use the paper to throw away my gum. I honestly couldn't tell if I was bored by it or still freshly tormented by it.

I think we're allowed to have these moments. There are still so many in betweens and unknowns and things that can't be controlled that having it all sorted internally seems like a whole lot to ask. I was going to skip writing altogether this week, but I decided against that because I do want to say this : if you are out there not knowing how to put your finger on how you're feeling (no matter what happens to be going on in your life), I get that. I am working on giving myself a break. I am working on telling myself that there is no time limit on figuring it all out. I'm working on remembering that being lost is a crucial part of being found. I hope you can do that too. 
4 Comments
Dad
8/19/2014 05:17:27 am

I am so proud of your honesty and courage dear Becca. This is going to end well..I know it and feel it in my heart. I love you/

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Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
8/19/2014 08:06:35 am

Thanks for reading and for the constant love and support. Love you so much!

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Juj & Joe
8/19/2014 07:36:28 am

I'm pretty sure Buddha still has the wheel for you, Sweetie!...
you - obviously - are doing your job of gently, slowly processing, sharing with great tenderness, giving yourself that break that's part of your healing whenever you need it!, and continuing to put one foot in front of the other...(as Merton said, "I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.") I agree with your Dad - you have such courage and honesty and you seem to carry in you the hope and will to see around the next corner, and the next. ...and you are living each moment...even if you may not have a name for exactly how you feel right now. You are loved, Honey!

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Becca, The Ever Forward Blog link
8/19/2014 08:08:22 am

thank you thank you for this loving and thoughtful comment, juj & joe. i always feel your love and support and it means the world to me. love you!

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    lover of life. celebrator of everything. drama therapist. wife. friend. picking up the pieces. finding creative ways to put them back together.

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