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Downgraded!!

9/23/2014

3 Comments

 
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It's not every day someone tells you they've had "fun" in your uterus. This was exactly the sentiment of my (slightly disconcertingly) chipper surgeon at my follow up appointment. She said, "This case was just so cool, I loved it!!". I told her I was glad to provide her with some excitement. I had hoped that an ultrasound would be done to visually confirm that all went well, but my doc wants to wait until I'm off the post-surgical hormones to get a clear view of how my body is handling the procedure. Everything seems to have gone well though. All signs point to a success (can we all collectively knock some wood though please because you know how the Universe likes to have a giggle at my expense). 

I asked my doctor, assuming we confirm that the surgery was successful, when she thought we could try to conceive again. She said she would be comfortable with it much sooner than I expected! I stared at her holding by breath waiting for the catch. This year has not prepared me for a plan that doesn't come with significant detours, caveats, and compromises.  So I also inquired if any special precautions would be taken when I get pregnant again with regards to my newly renovated uterus. She replied "Not really". She said that she would pretty much be "downgrading me" to a "normal pregnant person". The idea of being "downgraded" to any sort of normality (whatever that means...pretty sure that's not a thing, but still...) gave me full body chills. It gave me a kind of concrete feeling of hope. Then just as she gave-eth she took-eth away a little by reminding me that there wasn't actually any guarantee that the uterine septum was the reason I miscarried in first place, but that the best we could do was remove the potential obstacle and hope for the best with my next one.  The crazy part is, I actually do feel capable of hoping for the best right now. 

Nine months ago the idea of a version of myself who could see the bright side of this would have felt like a fantasy (or a joke). Maybe you're out there reading and you just miscarried for the first time and it feels like that version of you will truly never exist. I wanted to share this little chapter of my journey because I felt the same way at many (and I mean many) stages along the way. Maybe you're not at a point where you can let yourself feel hopeful yet. That's okay. I think that's part of it. Just try to take my word (or store it in the back of your mind for later) that this day exists for you in a future you perhaps can't see yet. That applies to whatever you happen to be going through that feels never-ending or is plaguing you. Everything on Earth changes, and that goes for the pain too. 

I'm still on a road that doesn't have a clear end. There are still ups and downs and scars that I am driving away with. There are definitely so many more unknowns than knowns, but the quality of the journey keeps altering so I guess I'll just keep on driving forward and see what's next. 
3 Comments
Janine Elkin
9/22/2014 10:55:30 pm

Great, hopeful message, honey! I am sure it will help someone get through some dark days! ❤️

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Melanie
9/23/2014 12:43:27 am

Love the optimism! Life is an incredible journey of ups & downs but the important thing to remember is that you don't have to go it alone. The paths you take may very well be unchartered territory leading to the unknown or a series of forks in the road with a few stumbles along the way but the support from loved ones is a constant and will always be there! ❤️

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Corinne Spina
9/23/2014 01:10:29 am

I just love EVERYTHING about this post, Becca!!! This has been the longest, darkest journey for you & Chris & everyone who loves you. Your news sounds so very good & affirmative. None of us know what is around the corner, ever, but your doctor's news seems precipitous of great joy in the days ahead. I am hopeful & praying for this next chapter in your lives to be all you'd ask it to be. Wishing you rich & fulfilling days ahead brimming over with new promises of life & love!!!

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    lover of life. celebrator of everything. drama therapist. wife. friend. picking up the pieces. finding creative ways to put them back together.

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