On Saturday, I looked at the date on my phone and realized a year had passed. It was one year ago that we sat in the choking silence of a darkened ultrasound room and felt the world crash down around us as we were told there was no more heartbeat (I wrote about that day here). A whole year now stands between me and the darkest day of my life. Although largely liberated from its grip on me at this point, it has carved itself into the grooves of my bones and been ingrained in the fibers of my being. It will probably always live there.
On Saturday morning the first thing that occurred to me was that it was my mother-in-law's birthday and then I remembered what, unfortunately, also happened that day. Last year I woke up filled with nerves and got in a cab uptown to the hospital with every intention of showing up for mom's birthday dinner later with great news. This year I woke up also filled with shpilkes (aka : nervous energy - I don't use nearly enough Yiddish in this blog), but this time about the start of tech rehearsal weekend to which I was about to drive (gosh, the difference a year makes!). Rehearsal kept my thoughts blissfully at bay for the better part of the day. However, as I drove home later that day I started to feel a to-the-core tiredness drag me under. It wasn't so much that I was acutely sad or actively running through the events of a year ago that day, but more that there was an undeniable undertow lapping at my heels. The memories buried deep down were weighing me down from within. As the night went on I found myself so sleepy that I was shivering and put myself to bed a respectable bedtime for a fourth grader.
I'm not the same person I was a year ago. This year has shaped me in so many ways. The way I cope with stress and relate to other people and look at the world has undoubtedly been richened by the ripple effect of an event that occurred one year ago. I think that is what this blog has always been about. As the days and months stretch on and I share with you how it is going, I am figuring out new elements of what it means to move forward from something like this. The more I accept that my traumatic experiences have become a part of me (and an important, meaningful one at that), the more whole I feel. That's a hard thing to wrap your mind around when you are in the thick of it, so if you still are, you'll have to take my word for it. I'll be out here in the dark like a lunatic with a flashlight for you and I'll let you know what's coming up ahead. The only way out is through it. I know it's not always easy, but keep trying to believe that everything shifts in magnificent ways that you never could have anticipated if you just keep putting one foot in front of the next.
On Saturday morning the first thing that occurred to me was that it was my mother-in-law's birthday and then I remembered what, unfortunately, also happened that day. Last year I woke up filled with nerves and got in a cab uptown to the hospital with every intention of showing up for mom's birthday dinner later with great news. This year I woke up also filled with shpilkes (aka : nervous energy - I don't use nearly enough Yiddish in this blog), but this time about the start of tech rehearsal weekend to which I was about to drive (gosh, the difference a year makes!). Rehearsal kept my thoughts blissfully at bay for the better part of the day. However, as I drove home later that day I started to feel a to-the-core tiredness drag me under. It wasn't so much that I was acutely sad or actively running through the events of a year ago that day, but more that there was an undeniable undertow lapping at my heels. The memories buried deep down were weighing me down from within. As the night went on I found myself so sleepy that I was shivering and put myself to bed a respectable bedtime for a fourth grader.
I'm not the same person I was a year ago. This year has shaped me in so many ways. The way I cope with stress and relate to other people and look at the world has undoubtedly been richened by the ripple effect of an event that occurred one year ago. I think that is what this blog has always been about. As the days and months stretch on and I share with you how it is going, I am figuring out new elements of what it means to move forward from something like this. The more I accept that my traumatic experiences have become a part of me (and an important, meaningful one at that), the more whole I feel. That's a hard thing to wrap your mind around when you are in the thick of it, so if you still are, you'll have to take my word for it. I'll be out here in the dark like a lunatic with a flashlight for you and I'll let you know what's coming up ahead. The only way out is through it. I know it's not always easy, but keep trying to believe that everything shifts in magnificent ways that you never could have anticipated if you just keep putting one foot in front of the next.
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