This blog is an open invitation to walk with me through the darkest parts of my life into the light spots (and all the dappled shadows in between) so we can figure out together what the heck post-apocalyptic life is all about. The content is shifting slightly because I just happen to be in a place right now (incredibly!) where my uterus is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning (in fact it's not even the second or third thing--what what whaaat?!). For those of you reading who feel there is no way that you will get here... you will. Promise. One day it happens.
Right now is undoubtedly a light spot for me. I think part of the whole moving forward through pain thing is being really IN the moment and the place you're in. That's no easy task when the ache of the past nags at you fairly persistently, but I'm making a genuine go at it. My current situation has got me thinking a lot lately about this feeling of being split between two worlds. With one foot in each, half of the time I feel like a mighty heroine astride two wild paths (taming them both) and half the time like a clumsy skier (so, me) with two feet slipping independently of each other down the icy crags of an unfamiliar life terrain. There are so many dichotomies to straddle right now : the family I was born into versus the family I have created for myself, the city I was raised in versus the city I've made my home, the career that stubbornly won't let go of my heart versus the career (that I also love in its own rite) that seems more sensible (not to mention for which I did that whole little getting an MA and a License thing). However, feeling like you are smack dab in the middle of a transition is not a unique concept. Anyone who has experienced a loss is especially familiar with this dynamic.
It took a long while for me to unchain myself from the torn sensation miscarriage generates. It quite literally forces you into two worlds simultaneously as your heart and mind and body are prepared for a new phase of life that never comes. The transition from mommy-to-be to babyless mama and then to person just trying to be normal (and oh, say, walk through a grocery store without crying) has finally eased. It eased, however, only to lead me into a new time of transition. And so it goes. Really I guess it's no different than how life seems to gear us up for so many adventures--some of which pan out and some of which don't. I think I've been describing myself as being "in a period of transition" long enough to indicate this is no phase, honey, but rather the perpetual nature of being a human on any sort of life path. There will always be more than one reality smashed together, there will always be two (or more) possible outcomes, two sides of the coin, two roads diverging in a yellow wood. It seems that it's ALL transition and waiting to "arrive" is futile. You make some plans, the Universe says "oh that's cute, but no", you take a total left turn and run smack into something terrifying and beautiful, you do your best to not let fear sabotage you, and you start all over again.
Right now is undoubtedly a light spot for me. I think part of the whole moving forward through pain thing is being really IN the moment and the place you're in. That's no easy task when the ache of the past nags at you fairly persistently, but I'm making a genuine go at it. My current situation has got me thinking a lot lately about this feeling of being split between two worlds. With one foot in each, half of the time I feel like a mighty heroine astride two wild paths (taming them both) and half the time like a clumsy skier (so, me) with two feet slipping independently of each other down the icy crags of an unfamiliar life terrain. There are so many dichotomies to straddle right now : the family I was born into versus the family I have created for myself, the city I was raised in versus the city I've made my home, the career that stubbornly won't let go of my heart versus the career (that I also love in its own rite) that seems more sensible (not to mention for which I did that whole little getting an MA and a License thing). However, feeling like you are smack dab in the middle of a transition is not a unique concept. Anyone who has experienced a loss is especially familiar with this dynamic.
It took a long while for me to unchain myself from the torn sensation miscarriage generates. It quite literally forces you into two worlds simultaneously as your heart and mind and body are prepared for a new phase of life that never comes. The transition from mommy-to-be to babyless mama and then to person just trying to be normal (and oh, say, walk through a grocery store without crying) has finally eased. It eased, however, only to lead me into a new time of transition. And so it goes. Really I guess it's no different than how life seems to gear us up for so many adventures--some of which pan out and some of which don't. I think I've been describing myself as being "in a period of transition" long enough to indicate this is no phase, honey, but rather the perpetual nature of being a human on any sort of life path. There will always be more than one reality smashed together, there will always be two (or more) possible outcomes, two sides of the coin, two roads diverging in a yellow wood. It seems that it's ALL transition and waiting to "arrive" is futile. You make some plans, the Universe says "oh that's cute, but no", you take a total left turn and run smack into something terrifying and beautiful, you do your best to not let fear sabotage you, and you start all over again.
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